Unlocking True Living: A Journey from Control to Clarity with Art McCracken

On this episode, we meet with Art McCracken, who has recently published an inspiring book titled Unlocked: A Manifesto on Living True. Holding the book, Alex describes it as an incredible, interactive experience meant to guide readers in discovering their true selves. Art begins by sharing his journey of leaving a 12-year executive role, which sparked his desire to do more of what he loved. His retreats, called "Unlocked," aim to help people slow down, unplug, and find clarity and courage for new commitments in life.

Art explains that his book grew out of years of personal reflections and life lessons. He had always jotted down thoughts on becoming a better father, spouse, community member, and business leader. These insights evolved into a guide for moving from a "locked" state—marked by hypocrisy, ego, entitlement, and control—to an "unlocked" life. For Art, being "locked" means living in duality, where one’s actions don’t align with their values. He emphasizes that becoming “unlocked” requires a conscious commitment to honesty, kindness, and authenticity.

Throughout the book, Art provides questions to help readers reflect on their choices and identify areas where they may be "locked." For example, in the chapter on ego, Art prompts readers to ask, "In what ways am I avoiding feedback?" Such introspective questions encourage readers to face their limitations honestly.

Art shares how writing the book became a deeply personal journey, with his faith and a desire for divine inspiration guiding him. He realized that "Unlocked" was meant to be a resource for others, too—an invitation to slow down, think deeply, and work on oneself. The book’s structure encourages readers to engage with each chapter as a mini-retreat, delving into topics like gratitude, judgment, and the challenge of letting go.

Julie resonates with Art’s journey, noting that retreats like his encourage honest self-exploration, which she feels would benefit her. Art acknowledges that we often cling to control in daily routines to feel a sense of stability, especially when the rest of life seems unpredictable. The book reminds readers that even in tough times, we have the power to choose how we respond, think, and act.

Transcript

I started to get a little bit of a bug for taking what was benefiting my own life and giving that to others. I'm a big believer that the gifts that we have in our life, that come to us, that help us, are not for us to keep. They're for us to give away. So I've got a couple of mentors that that very much believe and have taught me that it's called Watchmen Do unto Teach one, and it's meant to give the gifts away that we received.

Today on the We Share podcast, we're joined by Art McCracken, who just authored the book unlocked a manifesto on Living True. Welcome to the We Share podcast I'm Julie. I'm Alex. We share ourselves and we provide a platform for others to share. We believe everyone has a purpose and a story to tell. And we're back on the We Share podcast.

I'm Julie and I'm Alex and Alex. We have we love to re-invite guests because we hold them to standards and boy do they need us. So who do we have with us today? Art McCracken back. So I, brother, a father, a friend, a husband and a lover of all mankind. An inspiration, life coach, mentor. I mean, the list goes on and on.

Author. But we do. We have him back. It's been about a year, and we're so excited to have you, Art. Well, I'm excited to be back. Yeah. Good to see you again. Yeah, it's it's so good to see you on new digs. We got video. Yeah, we got new digs. We got video. And I'm holding this amazing, cute little book in my hand called unlocked a manifesto on Living True.

I want to ask our guests go back and listen to the first episode with our if you haven't already. That will be a good refresher. And then I want to then ask Art. You know what? What's happened this last year for you? Like, how can you share some of the. Well, the stuff with us has been all Rosie has and all ups and downs, but but it led to this manifesto.

So I think last time I was here, I did say that I was going to write a book. So we can check that box that's done and publish now. And pretty fun. We hit the top seller and top new release in self-help, which was awesome. Through launch. So, we did that. Got the book out of the head, out of the heart, onto the paper and into people's hands.

And so it's starting to get out there. Major career transition. I left an executive role of 12 years and looked at the afternoon and sunset of my career and said, I want to be doing more of what I love and less of what I don't. And so I took a big risk on that. And now, having a lot of fun in that space.

So, yeah, let's talk about what that space is. Okay. So very similar to what I've done for years. For 25 years, I've been an executive mentor and executive coach and an advisor to a lot of different companies in different industries all over the world. And so that's my sandbox. Retreats, a facilitated retreats, experiential retreats is another area that I really love to spend time with.

And so I kicked off a retreat this last fall, getting ready to announce dates and locations for spring 2025 and fall 2025. They are, paired with, the book to some degree. They're titled An Unlocked Retreat, and they're meant for people to slow down and to unplug and to challenge themselves, to think deeper and to come out of those with a lot of clarity and courage for, new commitments.

And so that's, there's a lot that goes into that, but it very much plays in my own journey. And so any place that I get to play in, I call it my sandbox. It's the place where my talents and my calling come together. And so in coaching and advisory work and retreats, that's that's where I love spending my time.

So a little bit of writing, starting to think about, next book possibly. And, speaking a little bit, playing on some podcasts. So yeah, I love it. That's what we're doing. So I, as I began like opened up into the pages of unlocked, and read your intro and all that I loved, I loved that I always read that stuff.

Some people skip over it, but I always like to know, you know what? Where they're taking me. And I found out very quickly that I was going to be locked at the beginning, and then I was going to have to flip it over with this version, this limited edition, and then actually unlock. So that being said, I could not, like, voraciously devour this book.

And one night, like I wanted to initially thinking, oh, I'm going to read this. And and I know that wasn't going to happen for me. I am looking at this book as, like a daily process where I'm just going to do one chapter a day and there's three questions you ask at the end. So I want you to talk about how you developed the book, and I really feel like it's a workbook, like it's a working like process firm for your, readers, for anyone that really does want to unlock.

Yeah. So the process, let me take a step back and talk about the process of writing the book. For years, I've always jotted down things that make sense to me, that resonate with me, that caused me to reflect and think about how I could do something better, particularly as it relates to being a better dad, being a better spouse, being a better, member of community, being a better leader in business, and better partner to people that I do business with.

And so anytime something would come up, I would take careful note of that. And over the years, I started to write a little bit, and it was mostly in like short form and mid form blog format. And I spent about two years just writing each week, something that I was inspired by, something that they gave me, challenge and pause.

And so I started to get a little bit of a bug for taking what was benefiting my own life and and giving that to others. I'm a big believer that the gifts that we have in our life that come to us, that help us, are not for us to keep. They're for us to give away. And I talk about that a little bit in the intro to the book and the acknowledgments.

I've got a couple of mentors that that very much, believe and have taught me that. In fact, you'll see it in a lot of the things that I do. It's called watch one, do one, teach one. And it's meant to give the gifts away that we receive. So fast forward a little bit, started to take writing a little bit more seriously.

Hired a coach, writing coach and publisher last November, and that that whole thing was about committing. It was about putting some dollars down on the table and putting myself out there in a way that I was going to have to commit and hold myself accountable to that investment. So, I would write every week. I had a good friend that they were in a season of creation as well.

And so every Friday morning at 6 a.m., pick up the phone, call up my friend Jeff. Say, Jeff, are you awake? Are you in mode to create? Yes. Okay. I'll catch you in an hour. And so we would have to come back after an hour and actually demonstrate with each other what we had created. And so there wasn't.

I had in my mind a book that I wanted to write, and I had a second book that I wanted to write, and the two of them somehow found their place together, which I'm glad that they did. But I didn't have, even though I had a a table of contents and a flow and different topics that I wanted to write about.

Every time I'd sit down to write, my mind would get flustered with all of that. And so I just decided, and through the help of my writing coach, to sit down and and ask for divine help every day when I would write, to write whatever needed to be written. And so it was. I'd write for an hour and I'd tuck it away and I wouldn't revisit it.

And so I had all these files, all these, topics, if you will, that once I got where I felt like I had enough content, then I started to look at, okay, what did I write about here? What did I write about there, and how do I fit those things together? And it started to develop into this, this journey of moving from a locked state, which to me is living in duality, living in hypocrisy, saying one thing, doing something different, not living true to the values that you profess or the values that you have learned and developed through time and have become important to you.

But more importantly, that lock state as being dissonant to the person that you could be. And we all know what better looks like. We know what the good version of me looks like and the bad version of me. And so intuitively we know. And so to move from that state of knowing that we're not living up to our, our truest, best self to pursue a life that isn't duality, that isn't hypocritical, that isn't unkind and self-serving, takes a lot of commitment and choice, acting on choice to be able to move that direction.

And so as I started to write, I was finding that I was writing about the symptoms of being locked up, and I also was exploring what are the counter symptoms of that. And for me, it was very personal because I've lived both and I've moved from lock to unlocked. But it's it's funny, the things that we become so critical of others about are the things that we're most familiar with projection super true in your wheelhouse.

So it's it's easy to criticize others for bad behavior, but it's only because we we know it and we see it and we do it. So being able to write through that and as, as I got all these chapters just in different places, started to bring them together and realized that, yeah, there's something here that's starting to flow, starting to make sense.

And then it was just a matter of assembling it and and getting it to my editor and finishing that process out. And that was an interesting phase as well, because I, I had asked for help the whole time to write this book, and, asked for God to give me inspiration to say, to use me as a vessel.

What might be something of value to others, specific to those topics. And when I got done writing and got ready to turn it over to the editors immediately, I was apprehensive. I didn't want somebody to change the words. I didn't want somebody to bastardize the the concepts and the tone and the meaning behind what had been written.

I took a lot of pride in that. And immediately when those thoughts came to my mind the same time, it was knock it off, that's your ego. This book isn't about you and it's not about what you want. You ask for help, let it be. I'll guide it. So I let it go. The editing process was not painful at all.

It was actually pretty light. And so here we are. And the book I believe that the book was in, if you if you come across this book, you find it, you buy it, you spend time with it. If it's in your hands, it was intended to find you. And I love that. So that's the book's out there. It's out of my head and heart and I'm excited for that.

It's already become useful again in my own life. And people ask me, well, tell me about this. Tell me about that. What do you remember about this? I don't remember a lot of it. And so I have to go back and reread it and look at it and get back into what I was writing about and why I was writing about that.

So it's it's kind of interesting. How does this room flow? It was just coming to you. Well, it matches so much, right? Because the name of the book is unlocked and we are very possessive people, just naturally of of our creation and, and, you know, ask any chef they don't want you touching their food, you know, so we're very possessive.

Yet you unlock that and allowed other people to, to take that journey. And you were just the conduit of the words. So you asked about architecture. It's a limited edition. Is it's got the intended architecture to it. It starts with the story. It presents what this life of being locked up looks like. And there are seven chapters within the locked section that are symptomatic expressions of what it might feel like or look like to be locked up.

So things like ego, entitlement control, drama, judgment, those are some of the chapters that you'll find in that locked segment. And those, again, are very symptomatic expressions of self serve. Do you have a favorite one from, from the locked? I would say, control is probably one of my favorite chapters. The hardest thing to give up to unlock.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to give you control. Critical skepticism is a is a fun one. A lot of people are enjoying the drama chapters just because it's very relatable. And almost everybody in their life has some form of drama that they're either in or being a part of or witness to. So that's one. Yeah. So the first section or first half of the book is all locked, and then you get to the middle of the book and there's a crossroad and a flip chapter that are a call to action.

And it's also, a getting off point as somebody who's reading and gets to that point and they don't want to move any further, they don't want to explore what unlocked might look like, then they can close the book and move on. Or if they want to continue to engage, then they physically have to flip the book upside down and backwards.

And now you're reading from the lock section. It can actually show you in the locked section is all of the counter symptoms or counter expressions of the locked chapter. So the opposite of ego would be humility. The opposite of control would be letting go. The opposite of of critical skepticism would be acceptance. And so you start to see, okay, what might that look like if I were to let go of ego, let go of some of my entitlement, what would it look like to be more humble?

What would it look like to have more gratitude in my life? And what happens is when you move from an unlocked state to a locked state, it's very new, it's unfamiliar, it holds a lot of risk. I read about this in my book. One of my mentors told me that living through is expensive and it's expensive because it's expensive to relationships.

It's expensive financially, it's expensive. Emotionally, it's expensive to our ego. It takes us to places that are not easy and it takes constant work and constant evaluation. And any time we we seek and pursue, ease, these symptoms start to show up again. So that's that's the journey of this book. And then there's a close out section that kind of brings it all back full circle.

And then my story's kind of woven in and out of it, but, it is a guide. It is something that you could take and read each day. Every chapter, the Locke chapters have three reflections at the end of every chapter. They're intended to have you kind of just self evaluate, look in the mirror and really get honest with yourself about who you are, how you're behaving, what your way of being is, how you're showing up with others.

And then in the unlock section of the book, all of those chapters will be followed by, three action steps that are written out that you can take immediately. You can put into practice in that moment to start to live more true to who you are and who you could become, and to start to unlock some of those crazy symptoms and characteristics that we that we just live.

So, so I well, I mean, you're you're like Mr. Acronym to me. Like, I love your acronyms. And there's one that you share in here to honor. It's called Mo. Yeah. I want you to share with our listeners what Mo means, what my stands for. So when I started writing this book, one of my mentors, had read through the first pass of it and at the start of every chapter I read a quote and those quotes, when I originally went through it, I just wrote the quote, didn't write who the source of the quote was.

And my mentor, he asked me one day, said, I'd really like to know who these quotes are from, because some of them are really cool. And I'd like to be able to to give credit to the author of those quotes. And I said, well, those are my own thoughts that I've jotted down. I didn't want to put my name on it.

That seems kind of vain. And I didn't want to have that at the start of every chapter. But I was also quoting myself here, not the kind of person that would still either. So yeah. And it just kind of makes sense that it's you. Yeah. So he challenged me to to figure that out. And I went back and I decided, all right, we're going to we're going to have Mo be the author of all these quotes.

And Mo stands for my own experience. So if you see a quote in the book that's from Mo, that's me. It's an Art McCracken. He's a modern day Socrates. Well, quite honestly, if you want to feel better, just follow him on Instagram as he puts up instantly. I mean, there's tons of mo quotes on there that are so inspirational and sometimes kind of the kick you need in the butt for the day when you're you're always good reminders of of choice.

I love your choice. Quote. Sure that my choice quote of just how you speak of choice. Oh yeah, I believe that choice is one of the greatest gifts that we have in our lives, and how we choose to honor that gift can make all the difference for us. It can impact generations and legacy. It can impact our day.

And so that that gift of choice is a power that we have, that we've been entrusted with, that nobody can take away from us. Right? So if you if you follow him, follow him. Excuse me. If you follow him, honor the gift is his handle on Instagram. And I just love how he frames that, that choice as a gift.

I mean, we're lucky to have choices. Sometimes we have too many choices, and sometimes we make their own choices. But there's always time for hope. You hope there's time to, like, right your wrongs and and live true. And so yeah. And even in times when we feel like we don't have as many choices as we would like, or our choices seem like they're maybe caged in a little bit, we still have the ability to choose how we are going to think about our circumstance, choose what we want to feel about those thoughts, and we get to choose our actions or reactions or lack of action.

Given the interpretation of those thoughts and feelings. So ultimately, we do have full power of choice in any moment, any circumstance, whether we're caged up and yeah, Viktor Frankl, he still had a choice. Yeah, yeah. Spot on. Why don't you share with us what part of the book right now is resonating with you? Maybe your favorite part?

Yeah. My favorite part of the book, is a chapter titled The Awakening. It starts with the quote, when life gets blurry, get to higher ground. As we go into that chapter that I'll just read from the chapter, it sure. I found myself so disoriented, wandering, and afraid of what I saw in the mirror. I was frightened by the realization that my past and present missteps were outpacing my future.

I was lost, and I didn't even realize it. I had no idea how far off the path I had wandered. Yet, on the other hand, I was allowing life to unfold in an alarming way. I was aimlessly trying to justify an easy road out. Life was blurry. For those of you who are reading this book, I want to remind you that it was written for you.

What I felt is not uncommon. It's easy to get caught up in the messiness of life and our active play in it. When we experience a raw level of dissonance in our lives, we inherently crave some form of relief. Unfortunately, we often seek relief in more of the same unbecoming behavior by choosing paths that lead us further from our true self.

The dopamine chase allows short bursts of temporary distraction from living a courageous life. These seasons of life are messy. They are chaotically slow. They are seasons. When we openly battle the being we want to bring forth. So here's some advice. When life gets blurry, get to higher ground. There's a place I've felt drawn to over the years, over and over again, I have found solace and recharge there, a place where my soul is challenged and embraced by a loving God.

Higher ground. Ever since I can recall, I've always been drawn to the mountains. I remember from my youth countless opportunities I had to be outdoors, whether it was camping, exploring, or playing. The mountains have always been a place that gives me lift. I've spent time climbing cliff walls and navigating wild rivers of backpacked into remote lakes and slept under the stars.

What is it about these places or experiences, though, that fill my cup? Come with me. Let's go there, for it is in the quiet that you'll receive what you need. When life gets blurry. Get to higher ground. When you are there, just look, listen and feel. Take it all in. You'll find that there is a lesson for you.

The wild is where God paints. Go beyond where the road ends. Sit with his presence and observe the magnitude of his love and creation all around you. Slow down. Breathe. Let go. In his creation, you will see your unique and significant part in a grander design. You will feel a new respect for the world around you. You will sense the magnitude of a world much bigger and more full of grace than you hold for it.

Love is the feeling and clarity, the gift. I've never heard these lyrics like I hear them now. You can't start a fire. Worrying about your little world falling apart. Letting go requires great courage and faith in a future undefined and waiting for you. There is love available for you. Let's go there together. Higher ground has become my favorite place.

I hope it will become yours. I love that literally why I hike. Yeah, I mean you took like the words, all the feelings. And I know I shared that with Julie. Just. I went alone Upper Palisades just a few weeks ago because it was a spur of the moment. And I'm like, no, no. Well, I don't care if anyone can't go.

I got a dog. I'm going and I had a spiritual experience pretty much the entire way. Listened to three hours of stoicism on the way up and then saying the whole way back, did little self notes on my phone, and it was just me and the trail and my dog and God really. So, yeah, it's the opposite of chaos.

That's how you started that chapter as you talked about living in chaos. You can hear you hear things you don't hear when you're like running in circles, you know, doing your job and all that. It's like, I need to get. I mean, it was I like the analogy, like the blurriness because I don't I never have thought of it that way.

But yeah, it gets a little blurry. And when you're just perspective, it gives you that. Yeah, life is really fast and busy and we're getting faster. We talked about this I think last time when I was here. Yeah. Slow down. Yeah. This whole concept of slowing down seems foreign these days. It almost seems like it's it's aggressive in a different direction than what we're normally paced with.

And even the pace at which we're consuming information, we're not even giving ourselves enough time to process it. So when you look at the types of thinking, there's two types of thinking that are typically fast thinking. It's normal thinking, which is all governed by our present circumstance, interpretation of circumstance, all of our biases, all of our history that lends itself to protect us and has been on this journey to to help us find ease in all of that information.

And so when we're challenged with something or we just go about our normal day, we're not expanding on our ability to think or just quickly taking information that's already there, processing it and making a quick decision. When we get stressed and pressured, we get into reactive thinking, which is usually our worst thinking because we're we're fighting for information.

We're taking information as proof to get me out of pain. So it's kind of that fight or flight will quickly make a decision based off of limited information. That's where we make a lot of assumptions about a circumstance or about somebody else in a situation, and that typically will produce poor thinking or fast thinking. The other types of thinking that are more siloed thinking are clear thinking and ultra clear thinking.

And those actually, in order to be in those spaces, you have to have time. You have to have time to slow down, to evaluate how you're presently solving for problems. What other information is out there that can help me see this differently? As you move into ultra clear thinking you're actually engaging others in that conversation. You're challenging your paradigms, you're challenging your biases, and the fruit that comes out of clear and ultra clear thinking is usually much more productive, and it will take you to a place of growth.

And so that's one of the challenges. I think we have as a society is we're just we're pacing so rapidly that our thinking is becoming weaker and we're replacing our thinking with easy solutions. Are I doing it for you? Like, yeah, they're doing it all for you. So you're alter thinking you do that with your roundtable discussions, right.

Like, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes that the intent of these retreats that I am putting on is just for that. It's for a slow down and to help people think differently. And the type of coaching that I engage in with my clients is very question driven. It's meant to give them choices. It's meant to give them reflection. It's meant to give them pause, to evaluate.

As an example, what are you most clear about? That's a question that most people won't ask themselves, or a question like, how do I want to feel? Well, how do I want to feel when I'm with my loved ones? How do I want to feel when I'm at work? How do I want to feel when I'm by myself?

Those are questions that we don't think about, and if we're going to architect a life that we're connected to that feels like it's it's resonant to who we are and who we're trying to become, then we have to be intentional about that. That's not just going to happen. And so the state of kind of being default, that's subject to the winds of life and the reactions that we bring to the table, it's not very fun.

No, no. Well, I was going to say I think it's, I think that that kind of questioning for me. So I'm, I'm this is how I'm approaching this. I'm sitting here going, what if I went to one of Art's retreats? What would work for me? I just love it. Yeah, I appreciate those questions because sometimes I feel like I, almost an imposter in my everyday life.

Because it can be so I can pass. Yes. But when I have to ask myself the questions, that's when I get uncomfortably honest with myself. And so I think that sort of retreat would be very beneficial for me, because it would require me to be honest with myself when there's questions presented, I, I have to look inside and I can actually unlock and yeah, and come forth with all the good, the good stuff.

Yeah. I know for like a slowing down. Definitely. We went over that too the last time, but I, I love it, I love to just hide, take a breath for a minute and and meditate or whatever, and, have you ever studied human design code or what was that? We talked about the color code. Maybe the.

Well, were we determined I was a generator and you were something else. Oh, now, have you ever done that or do you know what you are? I don't remember, it's been it's been it's been a while that just got that that triggered my thoughts of, like, wondering why you are if you were a generator manifesting generator, typically with the temperament studies.

A and there's a lot of different tools and resources out there. But typically I'm nurturing dominant okay. Action typically will fall in either an aspirational spot or it will fall in a kind of a middle ground. Knowledge and organization tend to be, interchanged at times. Organizations, typically at the very end of my temperament spectrum. And so details and sitting down to write is like nails on a chalkboard for me.

So writing a book was difficult just because I don't want to be caged by a keyboard and by having to to produce something to paper and organize it. So yeah, but nurturing tends to be my, my dominant, personality trait and something that I tend to to lead my life with, like it's for another reason to do the retreat.

So on it, I had a thought and then I lost it and then it came back. So that is why I like taking your book. Slow for me is going to work together better? Well, I think I'll get more out of it if I just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well. And it's anyone can do it right you know.

Ten minutes, 15 minutes a day. Punchy chapters. Everyone should be reading that. But how often are we not actually reading a book or we're reading text or scrolling and you know that this is real good information, that you're just going to retreat inward and unlock things inside of you. And we all know really what we need to be doing.

And, like Art said, he's like, divine hit these gifts that he has. He's sharing, and we all have gifts that we need to share there just differ. So is there something that, you, you put on the page through divine effort? You mentioned that you you worked on this with God. So is there something you put on the page that you saw after you wrote it and put it out that you went, oh, I need to do this in my, my life in this place, or I need to change a relationship this way, or I need to change a business model.

This way. Was there something that just kind of landed on you and went, wow, this one was for me, like you integrated it? A lot of it. I mean, I feel like writing the book was probably more, I don't know, it was definitely for me, stark reminders. And I think at the season in my life when this book really started to take blossom was a season of transition.

I knew it was coming. I it's laugh track in my life now. This was before. Okay. If I look back in my life and I think about the times that I have learned the most, that I knew challenge was on its way, I just it my gut told me that there was something that was brewing. And they're usually choices that are brewing and crossroads that were so to me, every one of these chapters, like I said, the locked chapters super familiar with those because those are the bad habits.

Those are the things that that are easy to fall into. And so to be able to write those and reread them and reread them again, I, I'm reading from this book. And so it's something that I'm going back and looking at and say, okay. And as an example, you know, if you look at something like the chapter on ego, the prompts at the end, three reflections in what ways am I avoiding feedback?

How often am I blaming others for our collective struggles? Is my extension of trust? Tried to some evaluated creation or equation that I have yet to define, and so having to go back and answer those questions and look at them and take them seriously. And I think that's any time we get out of our, our modes of growth or our seasons of growth, we, we lose opportunity.

We miss chances to to improve and to what Julie was talking about earlier. When it comes to questions, questions have a lot of power. They can unlock things for us. The bigger the question, the bigger the answer. And so if we get really good at asking ourselves questions that challenge our way of being, we're going to find something unique.

If we spend time with that question our brains built to to solve. Yeah. To. So I just give somebody gives us a great question. We can't help but think about how we might answer that or what that question's trying to get at. And so automatically we're already engaged in it. And that's one of the ways that we can actually force ourselves to slow down is to give ourselves a great question and to sit with it.

Right. And you're and you are so great at asking good questions and like open ended questions, not yes or no, right? Like you're just a skilled, skilled master at that. Thank you. When you do these, retreats. Yeah, you're you're meeting people all the time that have those, I don't know, bad habits or what whatnot and habits that we all have.

And, so why is it that when you have something and we know it, but then when you are in, like, a close knit group, and you're working through that, that it's so hard to hear about the bad habit you already know you have from someone else. I know that's kind of honestly, it becomes more it probably has more to do with the fact that we're the choice that's present is whether we want to let go or hold on to that.

And most of us are comfortable in our existing pain. We know it. We know our habit, we know what it produces. And so to change, change is unpredictable. Staying is very predictable. And anytime we grow and we move into a a season that's unknown to us, that's why we shy away from it. We want comfort and ease. We want predictability.

And a lot of times you'll see it in the chapter on control. We try to control so much in our life, to control our present state, or to control this little tiny window of safety that we're trying to live in. And any time we might subject ourselves to something that's unknown, where it might impact relationships, it might impact my own thoughts about myself, or it might impact my comfort and the ease and the habit of just doing the same things over and over.

It's new, and people don't like change. Even those that are very, apt to take risks. Change is still difficult. Yeah, I like certain things to change. Like my pillows with the seasons. But no, there's definitely things that I find, you know, I heat up or I get really going, and then I get back my thermostat. I just drop back to where I'm comfortable sometimes.

Yeah, something that that comes up and I find this in a lot of the founders and CEOs that I coach. When you ask them, what are the things that they're most challenged with, they'll give you a list, and that list will make a lot of sense. You're like, oh yeah, that that makes sense for a company. And the things you're trying to solve for with your responsibilities.

But there's another layer. And so when you ask them what lies beneath that, they'll give you a list. Well, there's another layer behind that. And the layer that's behind that is the one that's very tied to emotional well-being. Mental well-being. And typically, what will prevent people from making shifts and changes is this fear of identity loss, because the identity has been established for so long.

And typically, people will associate identity with the things that they've done, not who they are. Yeah. And so any time when somebody is transitioning through choice to do something different, to be something different, there's a death of identity. And we most people fear death. They try to do everything they can to prevent that. They don't want that event happening in their life.

So anytime we have these little funerals, it's going to be confronting literally. I've had nine. I'm a cat. I don't know, like with death and like divorce, I really do feel like they're those are real things. Like I have lost my identity several times, some strong characteristics of my personality. Well, they prevail or they carry me, maybe because they're my gifts, but it's hard.

It's a hard thing when you go through to pass. And when I say all the time, I'm really good at change, right? And I think I really am like, give me a brand new route to drive and I'm good with it. Give me a new job. I'll jump in both feet and try my best to be good at it.

Do you know what I did not do? Change. Well, when my children left my home. That was such a bad year. When I became a full time empty nester. And it was a death of an identity. Oh, I'm. I guess what? I'm a year and a half out, and I'm. I'm having panic attacks already. Yeah. I'm like, I don't understand it.

Yeah, I needed this then, because I made some pretty poor choices in that time frame because I didn't know who I was for a minute. I really had a lack of identity and I should have been looking at all of those locked up things because I was doing them. I was trying to control situations that weren't appropriate. I was creating drama that didn't need to be there.

I was having an ego going. That's what I was good at being a mom. Why is it gone? You know, all of those things were in play, and it was because I was in a grief process. Yeah, I feel like. And maybe you can tell me if this is I feel like this is therapy with art now. I, I'm really strict on my routine, in the morning because I feel like I can control that because so many things at work or, you know, that just pop up that I cannot.

And I find that if I ever don't do my routine in the morning, I'm more stress. Like I just react, I'm more reactive. And so that's something that's work for me. But some people will, let's say I'm neurotic. It's like, I mean to the like drinking this and drinking that. And yeah, well, I think, I think morning routines are phenomenal.

The root of that is any time we make and keep a promise to ourselves, we build our confidence. Right? And so when we break that promise, which might be breaking a routine, that I would guess that your morning routines are useful, like, helpful to you as a human being. Yeah, they be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Usually people's daily routines, especially in the morning, are meant to start their day at a slower pace, to do things that are very intentional, that have a long term benefit.

So when we get out of those, when we forget to do or we, we make excuses to not engage in those daily routines, it impacts our confidence. I can't even I do it on vacation. I can't not do it. It's just yeah, it's how I set my my mind up for the day. Yeah. So I don't need to, like, go seek medical attention.

I think it's a great. But again, you know, if there's questions of control, what would you be trying to control with those routines? And are there identities that that are now fixed to your routines that, again, keep you stuck or keep you static with where you're, yeah. Is there something you need to let go in it?

Maybe not so much that morning routine, but there's definitely I. Yeah, I just need to take moments like we all do throughout the day to breathe, you know, and just recenter. Yeah. Because there's so much coming at us, so many distractions. It's so true. Because we're the worst. Julia's reactive. Julie, that's not great. Oh, and so, yeah, I don't want to get into that place.

Yeah. And I have learned to like. And our kids, I think, teach us to let go a little bit because I mean, you've had houseguests to when your kids come home like you're so excited to have them there. But then they're there and you're like, oh my gosh, when am I going to get my space back? Because I've gotten used to just having Ali in me.

And I'm like, the pillows aren't perfect on the couch. This isn't it. That's like two candles on all night. I woke up this morning and two candles were burning. I'm like, okay, we're still here. And then I can't find my person. I'm like, surely somebody robbed us because he left the doors open like I don't. It's I'm gonna find it, but it's just I have had to let go because kids that.

Yeah. They teach you that for sure, don't you? That one of your kids taught you are. What would you say? The number one thing. Because you did acknowledge them. And yeah, I've learned a lot from my kids, probably more from my bad behavior as a father. And how they respond. Can I second that motion? But bad behavior for me, I really just oh, it's just I've learned more from being an adult parent than I have changing diapers.

Yeah. And I think it's because of that challenge to let go. And then on student hard conversations, when they bring you hard stuff, you're like, okay, hold on a second, can I? I'm going to come back. You need to unpack this because I don't know how to fix it. And I just want to listen. Yeah. Part of our control challenge as parents is we want our children to make decisions so that it's more comfortable for us 100%.

And it's tough for us to let go of that. And we try to force that and try to persuade to that rather than let them make their decisions, let them have their own journey. I'm on my own journey as a father and as a husband and provider and whatever else comes into that mix. But my responsibilities at this stage in my life with adult children is to cheer them on and to let go of this necessity, to guide and direct and to almost kind of force them down this path.

That's consistent with what I would want them to be or become, or behave a certain way, which I think is very much how it is when they're young. But when they have responsibilities of their own and they're starting to explore this world that's out of the nest, and they're starting to have children and there's just decisions that they're going to make.

And I think sometimes we look at our at the decisions that our children make, whether they be good or bad, and we reflect on ourselves and think, okay, how was that decision reflective of what I've taught them, my relationship with them. And that's our ego. We want it to be, you know, reflected well. We want it to continue to be an extension of how might how we might live our life through them.

And so that's a place that's really challenged me to look at where am I trying to control things in my life, and what is it going to take for me to really let go? I just say, hey, I'm okay with that and still have those feelings and emotions inside of frustration and anger and doubt and fear and all the things that come up.

So that's a place that I'm really grateful for. Yeah, because that's not really letting go. You just let the fishing line out a little bit, a little bit and let them. You've got to like let go. Actually let go. And it will shift how we see our children as well, when we really learn to let go and see them for not just where they're at, the challenges that they must face have grace for them in their own, their own journey that they're walking just like we are.

There's a lot of hope that can come from that, and the love changes because we love them for what they're learning and what they're capable of. Rather than placing conditions around our our love, our satisfaction with them based on what they do. It's yeah, if you can let go of that, that there's a lot of peace that comes from that.

And I think new growth because it gives you space to do better things rather than to stay in that right. Focus on your own growth and let your kids grow. Now, I want to look at it from the other end, like your relationship with your parents. How did they raise you? Did you feel like they fostered that, that area of growth for you, or did they just let art go in color?

I'm I'm playing the sound. Probably both. I, I was at odds with my parents a lot growing up. I was the oldest kid. I wouldn't say that I was really rebellious, but I was certainly rebellious to their love, and I didn't let them in. And I still struggle with that years later of letting them into my life, seeing where I'm finding successes and wins very guarded with that towards them.

But if I look back at what I learned from my parents and I, there's a couple of chapters in the book that I talk about, two specific things that I learned from them. But, I saw what a healthy, relationship was of a husband and wife that loved each other. So I was always able to see that physical example in my life, which was really cool.

My dad was one of the things that he absolutely did not like and would not stand for was gossiping in the house. And so anytime somebody would be talking about somebody else, he would always kind of inject like, hey, they're not here, let's not talk about them. And at the time or like, oh my gosh, dad, seriously, just let us have our conversation.

Why are we even? I get it, but this is more fun and so but but I remember that. And I think about it to this day that that's like super huge. Oh, it's super easy. I've learned about that. And the power of protecting somebodies interest, even when they're not in the room is a powerful growth concept. And it's actually a trait, an attribute that is important.

My mom, I remember lessons from her. I saw how she guided the household and the way that she faced challenges and what she taught me about smiling when things are difficult and learning to laugh at the challenges of life. Because again, we have that choice. So I think she was somebody that taught me we have choice in any circumstance on how we're going to respond to it.

We can be upset. We can be angry with it. We can love that that moment, or we can choose to smile and engage and take it differently. And so what I learned from my parents is that they were two human beings that had no playbook for how to raise their kids, and they were doing their best, and they love me.

And I knew that. And I felt that. But I rejected that a lot of times. And so as I look back now where I'm at in my life and it's it saddens me at times because I know that everything that they did was to try to express their love to me, but I was the one that was withholding or not giving them a chance to to love me the way they wanted to love me.

And so it's that's taught me to open up a little bit more and to be more active in sharing and engaging and just letting go again, this whole control thing is about our safety with the world around us. And so if I'm willing to let go of some of that control, let go of that ego and let people in at that level, what what might that bring?

Where might that take me? So that's, that's it's way more exciting to find that out. And, and thank goodness for maturity and growth. And choice is a big part of your just everything you teach the way that you mentor is about choice. It's in your it's right here at your website, you know. So choice is a big thing.

I want to make sure people know you can change that choice. Like you could continue with your choice of shutting out your parents. Yeah. Or you can grow and make a different choice. Yeah. There's there's no it's very rare. There's this solid choice that you never can go back on it. Like it's not the final like financial. Hopefully you have people in your life that will afford you grace because you've afforded them grace now.

So hopefully that those choices can be redirected. Yeah, I think the choice is you also have this moment. So if you're alive and you're breathing and you're cognizant of the choice that you have, you could leave this studio today and be different. You could choose to engage with somebody differently. You could choose to take more intention into your day.

If I want others to experience me in a certain way where I'm less reactive or more present to where they are, that I would like that like them to feel more loved. I can do things to help me be that way throughout the day, throughout the week, throughout the month and coming years. If I choose to do it.

Yeah, intentionally. To set those goals. Yeah. You always have this moment and that's what's cool. And until that moment is taken away, I just know that you change. You can always change if you want to, I want to I want to ask you maybe a hard question. You can cut this out if we don't want to do it.

What? In your life, if there was just one? I think one of the hardest things you've ever done, like maybe made the the wrong choice or you made a bad choice, or, like, the hardest moment of your life. Like what? That changed you. Do you have one thing like that? How did it change me? Like. Like a choice you made, like, share with us.

Because to me, or you're like a perfect night. But I know you say you've had that. Like what has been the maybe the biggest period of growth for you, having made a choice that was less than your best? Yeah. The choices that where I've betrayed myself and betrayed the people in my life the most is when I've been dishonest.

Okay? When I've lied, blatantly lied to others about my own behavior, my own habits, my own, decisions. And if again, if I look back in my life at some of the really big lessons, they always for me, they always came at Canada, the precipice of a lot of bad decisions leading up to that, to where I was like one way or another.

Yeah, one light led to another and I placed myself in a spot of, I can't do this anymore. I don't know what the path forward looks like. And so there were moments of surrender, in fact, when we had that event last year. Yeah, that was one of the the guided questions that we had was, if you can think back into your life at a time when you felt most alive, what's interesting is most people that felt this period of being alive, it's right on the exact opposite side of this pinnacle of deep pain and deep, wonder and frustration and loss.

So there's this culmination and like this tipping point that can happen when we we confront that. I was hoping that you were going to go there. Thoughts actually, because right before a breakthrough is usually a breakdown or something that really like could almost halt the greatness that you were about to produce. And I feel like that whenever I'm in creation, too.

Yeah, I just almost want to give up some times because it's too severe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, as I look back, betrayals of of relationship, betrayals of financial responsibility, just, shading who I was and who I wasn't and trying to fix this identity, to others where they really didn't even know who I was.

Those are the things, as I look back in my life. Yeah. Those were the moments that you just hit. This tipping point of this isn't working. And now you felt so free. Yeah. Yeah. Great. I love it. All right. What parting words would you like to leave with us? Yeah, on this podcast. Another mo ism.

Another mo ism. No, I, I just hope whoever's listening to this that that you feel inspired to evaluate where you're at and pick a question to ask yourself. Pick a question that's big. We what we know about our human plight and human's being is we're the only ones that know where we're faking it. We're the only ones that know where we're holding back.

And we know ourselves better than anybody else. So that like that conversation we talked about this last time about your your personal advisory board saving a seat for your future best self. Go have a conversation with that person. Take your challenges to them. Ask them, how would you advise me in this moment? I'm facing these choices. I'm facing this shift of identity.

I'm wanting to let go of this. I feel like I'm controlling this area. What would you advise me? I said, you're going to get the answers, but then you've got to decide. Once you get those answers, what are you gonna do with it? Right? You don't want to ask for it if you're not ready to do it. Yeah, because then it's just painful.

Oh, yeah, I mean torture. Yeah. Well, awesome. Yeah. Thank you so much. Okay, tell us how to get the book. A couple of ways you can get the book. The architecture that I described in this interview is the limited edition, so it's got the flip version. You can get that on my website. Go to choices, the gift.com.

Click on books. It'll take you to that limited edition. It is a sign, limited edition, a little small pocket size. It's called the filled copy, the filled version of the book. And it is very portable. It's four by six, can fit in your pocket. It's like the pearl of great price. So, yeah, the other way you can get it is go to Amazon.

If you just search for unlocked a manifesto on living True. It's available on Amazon and, Kindle in both soft back hardback and Kindle. So I would totally recommend the choice is the gift.com website. Super easy I it is very easy to navigate. And then you get the pocket sized one and it's truly a treasure. Cool.

Thank you. Yes. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Thanks for joining us today on the We Share podcast. If you've loved what you've heard, please give us a five star rating. Tell your friends and share this show. You can also follow us for recipes, lifestyle and fashion tips, book reviews and more on our podcast dotcom. Join our share squad and sign up for our newsletter there.

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